Bad Eggs

Once again, I'm being hard on myself... i'm debating internally about where to start my story. Beginning... middle...end... (wouldn't that be nice if I actually new the end!) I guess the best place to start is now.

I'm 33 years old, and I have bad eggs. I'm not quite sure what that means exactly. I think it's one of those "catch all" statements that doctors use when they don't know what the hell is going on. I have chromosome problems with my eggs. They can't tell me why. They can't tell me how this happened. They haven't told me exactly how they know that. I guess I'm just suppose to accept it as truth. I haven't become pregnant in 5 years, after lots of sex, and lots of treatments. So, it must be the eggs. Maybe it's because I grew up near the nuclear plant..... hmmmm.....

It's not that my eggs are old. If I were 40 writing about this problem, it might make more sense. I don't understand how a chromosome problem works. Since a women is born with all of her eggs, does that mean that all of my eggs have always been bad?

I've heard of women going into peri-menopause. It's funny that I envy those women. They also have bad eggs - but they don't get their periods. I'm one of those lucky girls that still gets my monthly visitor. How blessed am I?

So - we're going to try an egg donor cycle next. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I just realized today that I've been stewing over this decision for 6 months now. I have to admit that the longer I live with the decision, the more comfortable it feels. I want a child so badly. I want to experience pregancy if there is any possible way that I can. I know in my mind that this is the right decision. I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up with my mind.

I have been blessed with a wonderful, beautiful friend who is willing to give me some of her eggs. We never really know how our friends are going to affect our lives when we pick them. When I first met Nicole... I never would have guessed that some day she might give me the greatest gift of all time... the opportunity to have a family. Part of me is really excited that someday, I'll be able to tell my child about her auntie Nicole. I'll tell the child the story of how we met, the hard times that we have helped each other through... and how wonderful and giving her genetic mother is. I like the fact that I'm going to know stories about Nicole to share with my child. Every person wants to know their history. I'm glad that I will at least know something about my childs.

I'm still very scared that it won't work. I know that statistics are finally on our side. I've just dealt with so many failures of conception. It's hard to be optimistic that this might work.

I just finished re-reading this post, and I realized that I refer to my future child as "her". I like that... I think I'll stick with it... it actually put a smile on my face.