Reflections on Pregnancy

It all started when I was 15, when mom was pregnant with Jack. We would sit in church, with my hand on her belly, waiting for a kick or a punch. I would watch her sitting on the couch across the room and could see the "alien" slithering around inside of her. We prepared his room, picked out his clothes, agonized over the decision of a name. My mother loved being pregnant and it showed. I was there at the delivery. After Jack came into the world, the doctor turned to me and said, "you'll never want to be pregnant after witnessing this!", but, I knew I wanted to be pregnant.

In college, my girlfriends and I would dream about our futures. They would say, "I want children, but I don't want to go through pregnancy." I would say, "I want to go through pregnancy, but I don't know about raising kids... let's make a deal!" I knew I wanted to be pregnant.

At 26, I met the love of my life. On our second date, he said to me, "I want to have children." He thought it would scare me away, but I knew I wanted to be pregnant.

Michael and I married, with intentions to start our family immediately. We played, we tried, we looked for help, and tried again... it was becoming more clear to us that our dreams, my dream... might not come true. We started to explore other options to become parents, maybe adoption was the answer for us, but I knew I wanted to be pregnant.

The decision to use an egg donor was not an easy one for us. We didn't want to genetically engineer our child, we wanted our genetics for a child. That just didn't seem to be an option. Given the choice between egg donation and adoption, the answer became so clear to us, I knew I wanted to be pregnant.

So now, I'm hours, days, maybe a week away from the end of my miracle pregnancy. I'm happy to report that it was everything I dreamed about and even more. I'm now sitting on my own couch watching my own "alien" slither inside of me. I feel her every cramped move, her adorable hiccups, sometimes I think I can feel her breathing. She has become a part of me, and she is all mine. In a little while, the doctor will hand her to Michael and I to care for, to play with, to love, to teach... and I'm sure I will love her more than anything in the world. But, I will miss having her inside of me, where I can protect her, care for her, and cherish her every movement.

I am so grateful for the chance I had to live my dream. I am grateful to be a woman. I am grateful that I could be pregnant.